Who doesn't cheer for PFLAG?

I didn't get to see much at Pridefest this weekend, I was pretty work focused. But after we set up our tent, we were able to wander over and watch part of the parade. I've been at Pride, often two or three, every year since 2002. But usually working, rarely able to watch the parade or wander about. I think this may have been the first time I saw PFLAG marching by. It's certainly the first time I remember seeing it. The crowd began to clap and cheer and holler with massive enthusiasm. All I could do was stand there and try not to cry. I think it was the "I love my gay son." sign. Or maybe it was "Keeping families together." Probably it was all of it together. But it was beautiful to see so many families standing up to say they love their children. Period. Just the way they are. I know my parents love me, but the queer part of me is not something they can accept. They have each tried, in their own way. My dad and I can joke about it now, a clear sign we are in a better place, 10 years later. My mom came to my wedding when my now ex-wife and I tied the knot. But it's not comfortable and it scares them.

I know I'm not alone. Many of us wish our families could look beyond the gender of our partner, or our own fluidity. Things are changing, albeit slowly, and they will continue to improve. 50 years from now we will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about. But, just for now, when PFLAG walks by, I'm going to cheer.

Everyone needs a vagina couch.

A woman on the internet is asking $600 for her homemade vagina couch. I had to share.

Happy Second Parent's Day?

Sunday was Father's Day, which can be a problematic celebration for the queer community. Many of us are alienated from our families, or have been, the pain of coming out to ourselves and our loved ones often forcing us to be reborn into our identity, where we choose our families by how they treat us. So days like Father's Day can have a bitter sweet touch of nostalgia.

And then when we raise our families, who we honor as the father can be equally tricky. While studies have consistently shown the gender of the second parent is inconsequential to our children, we are constantly asked how our same gender lifestyle will provide the appropriate other gendered experiences. As if we lived in a vacuum of gender experiences that excluded men or women from our children's daily life! The model of a two parent, heterosexual "nuclear" family is about as prevalent as unicorns in modern society. My own children have somewhere between 2 and 4 mothers, two fathers, and a few more adult mentors. My best friend has called me her children's "extra mom" since they were born. And that's just extra parents. There are a variety of family styles and experiences that make up the world our children grow up in, and the only thing that makes them difficult for our children is the messages they receive that they are alone or their families are somehow less because they don't measure up to someone rhetorical fantasies. (I suggest the video, That's a Family, for anyone with kids. My kids really loved it and it definitely addressed their concerns about their differences in a reassuring fashion.) This doesn't even begin to touch on the experiences of transgender individuals who have come out after having children, or those few who choose to have biological children in addition to their transitioning experience.

So I hope Sunday was a good day for you, second parents, fathers, and extra adults that you might be. Our kids don't need us to have the right label, just the right attitude, and I imagine if you've chosen your family in other ways, you are most likely going to be equally loyal to the children you have chosen into your heart.

Bias motivated vandalism.

It's in the news, there is possibly an anti-lesbian vandal out there, defacing cars with lewd and vulgar pictures. This particular incident is still being investigated, so it is uncertain whether it is a pattern of behavior that would indicate a potentially bias motivated crime. But it brings attention to the fact that as much as we would like to think differently, Boulder County isn't quite as accepting as it could be.

It's popular these days to question hate crime legislation, starting with the rationale that all crimes are motivated by hate. My opinion is that bias motivated crimes are important to understand because they can be encouraged by social conditioning. Often times bias is towards groups that are in the minority and disenfranchised in some way. The person committing the crime is targeting that person or group because they believe their behavior will be condoned or ignored. There was a time when police would support this, being less motivated to investigate crimes that were committed against outsiders, or even holding the victim accountable for their situation. And in some places and situations, that can still be the case.

It's a complicated question, but with no simple answers. Bias motivated incidents occur every day, in a variety of levels. Regardless of the community targeted, regardless of the level of the incident, we need to speak out against the ignorance that inspires them. If we want things to change, we need to work together to make them change. Consider volunteering for an organization, like Boulder Pride, Safehouse Alliance, Colorado Anti-Violence Program, or another organization working to create a better community for all.

BiseXual

I claim the B in LGBT, but the truth is I often identify as queer, simply because I think it more clearly encompasses the mix of alternative lifestyles which make up my world. Sometimes I jokingly refer to myself as greedy, because often the assumption is that as a B, I want it all. And in some ways, I absolutely do. Really, the problem comes from the fact that Americans tend to define themselves, and one another, by their relationships. Two women are lesbians. Two men are gay. I am a mother, partner, and daughter. But my identity as a person is less defined, less easily expressed. How do we stay out of the closet when our couple-centric society demands that we "pick a side" even if only for as long as the relationship lasts? And why do we as a queer community embrace these limited defnitions of being that continue to tie us to other people's expectations?

The truly interesting piece of this puzzle, for me, is that we are increasingly a selfish society. Baby boomers are choosing to spend their money, instead of save it for their children, traveling to exotic places and purchasing luxury items for their own use. I don't judge this, but I think it is indicative of a culture that is more interested in serving the now than serving the future. More concerned with the needs of the one than the needs of the many. Perhaps there is some connection between this incessant selfishness and this absolute stifling of our personal identity. Perhaps the more we deny our need to be whole, individual beings, the less we are able to reach out and truly care for one another?

The dangers of dihydrogen oxide.

One of the reasons we work to raise awareness of queer issues in the straight community is because of the massive amount of disinformation presented about us, regularly, in mainstream america. This disinformation is a combination of fear tactics and truth twisting that can have disastrous results for our community and beyond. One example is the Ohio state anti-marriage act which was so limiting in its definition of marriage that for over two years there was a court case that questioned whether it had limited domestic violence statutes to only legally married couples. While that was eventually determined not to be the case, the ban has created a legal limbo for same-sex couples, unmarried heterosexual couples, and children. The fear of same sex couples was so great that basic protections were put in jeopardy to limit their ability to build a life together.

It reminds me of the on again, off again fervor over dihydrogen oxide, a dangerous chemical found in almost everything we use and ingest. This story was first introduced in the early 90s and then re-introduced by a junior high student, who surveyed 50 people in his town. He managed to convince the majority of them to sign a ban against the use of dihydrogen oxide, based on a compelling list of its dangerous qualities. For instance: it can cause death if inhaled in small quantities; in its gaseous form it can cause severe burns; and in its frozen form it can cause tissue damage. I might consider banning it myself, if I didn't know dihydrogen oxide is simply water.

The real danger isn't dihydrogen oxide. It's the fear people spread when they are ignorant of the facts. It's the fear people spread when they don't take the time to really understand that us being queer isn't about them, it's about us. We don't want to interfere with their lives, we just want to live ours. With plenty of dihydrogen oxide for all.

There's something wrong when Coke inspires me.

I've seen this commercial twice and it honestly moves me!

I can convince myself it's good for me.

Knit Purl Cafe is my new favorite place in Boulder. To start, they serve organic, fair trade, gluten free ice cream which is delicious. Add to that tea, coffee, cute little tables, and you might think they are set. But no, you would be wrong. They also have a nice selection of specialty yarns and regular knitting circles (or more colorfully "stitch and bitch" circles). Add to that, the owner, Kim, is friendly and fun to chat with. Heading into the summer months knowing the best places for good ice cream is high on my list of musts, and this definitely qualifies. Hope to see you there!

You can't give me what I have.

"It may seem like a subtle shift, but asking someone to give you what you already have, only gives them the power to withhold it." Sven Davisson.

Thank you to California for choosing to recognize the truth, that same sex couples already have the right to get married. Churches solemnize it, families support it, Pier One lets you register, but our government seems to stubbornly stick to the idea that somehow they can prevent our relationships. They can make them financially more challenging. They can disallow us to care for one another in a legal sense, when it comes to social security or disability. They can separate us when our love crosses international boundaries. They can punish our children by leaving them in legal limbo if we separate or divorce. But they can't actually prevent us from making commitments, from loving one another, from building our lives, from creating our homes.

Civil unions are a great first step and I applaud the states that implemented even these small measures, but, as the Massachusetts SJC stated "The history of our nation has demonstrated that separate is seldom, if ever, equal." I am glad we are engaging in a national conversation about what marriage really means and the fact that in this area, we are still allowing religious officials to manage secular, legal arrangements. I don't when it will happen, but I believe strongly that we will achieve recognition of our rights to commit and build with one another. And I am excited to be a part of it.

Creating High Impact Non Profits, Pt 2

High impact non-profits combine service with advocacy. This means they work to alleviate the immediate problem in their area with direct action while also participating in initiative and lobby efforts to change regulations or industry standards to end the problem all together. Their work in the field, dealing daily with the realities of the problem they are working to solve, can inform the larger legislative work or informational campaigns created across the spectrum.

They do this because the problems that need to be dealt with are huge and often devasting to those who are facing them. Emergency services and support are critical to relieving the basic problems people face. But they won't fix the long term problem. That requires a larger view of the situation, creative collaboration, and an ability to step back and really see what needs to be done to solve the problem.