Sunday was Father's Day, which can be a problematic celebration for the queer community. Many of us are alienated from our families, or have been, the pain of coming out to ourselves and our loved ones often forcing us to be reborn into our identity, where we choose our families by how they treat us. So days like Father's Day can have a bitter sweet touch of nostalgia.
And then when we raise our families, who we honor as the father can be equally tricky. While studies have consistently shown the gender of the second parent is inconsequential to our children, we are constantly asked how our same gender lifestyle will provide the appropriate other gendered experiences. As if we lived in a vacuum of gender experiences that excluded men or women from our children's daily life! The model of a two parent, heterosexual "nuclear" family is about as prevalent as unicorns in modern society. My own children have somewhere between 2 and 4 mothers, two fathers, and a few more adult mentors. My best friend has called me her children's "extra mom" since they were born. And that's just extra parents. There are a variety of family styles and experiences that make up the world our children grow up in, and the only thing that makes them difficult for our children is the messages they receive that they are alone or their families are somehow less because they don't measure up to someone rhetorical fantasies. (I suggest the video, That's a Family, for anyone with kids. My kids really loved it and it definitely addressed their concerns about their differences in a reassuring fashion.) This doesn't even begin to touch on the experiences of transgender individuals who have come out after having children, or those few who choose to have biological children in addition to their transitioning experience.
So I hope Sunday was a good day for you, second parents, fathers, and extra adults that you might be. Our kids don't need us to have the right label, just the right attitude, and I imagine if you've chosen your family in other ways, you are most likely going to be equally loyal to the children you have chosen into your heart.
2 comments:
Children worldwide have shown themselves over the ages to be very accepting and very adaptable to almost any living condition that presents itself to them. I don't believe they question their homelife a lot as long as they have happiness and can engage in play which all social primates need. Only when someone from outside their family unit brings it to their attention does it ever seem to become and issue. With communal life styles, children have several fathers and several mothers. 2 fathers or 2 mothers or 1 of each really does not matter in the child's world as far as I can tell!
Feliz día de Padre.
Kids just want to be loved and safe. Gender only seems to start to matter when other people tell them it should. *shrug*
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