Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world

If you watched the President Obama's first State of the Union speech this week, you heard him call for the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the militaristic version of "love the sinner, hate the sin" that was signed into law by Bill Clinton, the same guy who signed the Defense of Marriage Act into law.

The New York Times posted an editorial this morning calling the policy, "always pointless and cruel." The piece concludes:

"Much more needs to be done, including recognizing same-sex marriage at the national level and passing a federal law protecting gay people from discrimination on the job. Repealing “don’t ask, don’t tell” would be an important step forward."

The Onion, a satirical news source, covered Don't Ask, Don't Tell in 2008 in a really funny video. (If you haven't seen it, please take a few minutes to watch :) )

Clearly, changing laws and policies is vital for LGBTQ liberation; however, critical piece of policy work is working to change hearts and minds.

One of Boulder Pride's most important programs is called SpeakingOUT. Trained LGBTQ and Allied panelists from Boulder County share their stories and answer questions from diverse audiences that include middle and high school students, social service providers, religious and spiritual organizations and college students. SpeakingOUT’s mission is to cultivate awareness and understanding of GLBTQ lives and experiences.

With increased LGBTQ visibility in the media, politics and other social institutions, you may think we no longer need to share our stories. A month ago, I may have even agreed with you. But recently I participated on a SpeakingOUT panel at CU Boulder.

It was an upper division class of future high school and middle school teachers. They listened intently with open minds and hearts. It was clear, though, that their questions reflected ignorance and myths that persist about the LGBTQ communty.

One student said, "My best friend just came out to me as gay. I don't want to have to hear all about his sex life and I'm worried he's going to die from AIDS. What should I do?" Another reflected, "I was raised in a really Christian home and learned that homosexuality is wrong. This panel is the first time I even questioned what I was taught by my parents and am realizing it may not all be true. Thank you for opening my eyes." Another student shared, "My uncle is gay, but no one in my family ever talks about it. This panel makes me want to learn more. I now want to ask my uncle about his life."

Sometimes community organizing work can seem overwhelming- how can we ever change all the laws and policies, as well as people's hearts and minds? I look to Howard Zinn who said, “Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.”

If you are interested in more information on joining SpeakingOUT , please email me at cathy@boulderpride.org.

Have a great weekend!

Our Whole Lives.

My kids are just entering the teen age years and I get to test all my theories about openness against the reality of the choices they are facing at this stage of their life. My mom was raised by parents born in 1904 and frequently consulted Emily Post on matters of etiquette, so sex ed in my house was an awkward experience. She wanted me to have more knowledge than she had but she also had this incredible discomfort with the whole concept of bodies and sex. She solved this by buying me a pile of books and then handing them to me to read. I had a whole lot of information that I had no context for.

We started our kids with the books. It's So Amazing might be one of the best elementary age books on sex and birth out there. The follow-up, It's Perfectly Normal, is also quite well done for older children. We had open conversations and it was all good stuff. But ... nothing beats having a safe space to explore these topics with your peers. Which is why I was delighted to find Our Whole Lives. This comprehensive and medically accurate approach to relationships, sexual identity and behavior, and health is well done, inclusive, and respectful of all types of relationships. It is a fee based program, so even if you aren't a Unitarian Universalist, you can have your child attend the course. And if you aren't comfortable with religion, no worries, that's not part of the program. I am amazed at the incredibly positive impact this program has had in our family. I wish they did this in the schools.

There are two local Unitarians: Unitarian Universalist Church of Boulder and Boulder Valley Unitarian Universalist Fellowship according to google. Currently only the Lafayette Fellowship is offering this program but the Boulder based Church is planning to implement the program in the near future.

No Place for Hate.

I am shocked by the decision to remove signs promoting a more tolerant (and learning focused) environment. I am proud beyond believe of the stance that ADL has taken. It is when we compromise, when we say "it's okay to leave one group behind" that we are weakened in our fight for equality. Thank you, ADL. When we stand together, we are stronger, in every way.

****************************


Anti-Defamation League Withdraws Anti-Bias Program in Platte County School District

Reaction to District’s Decision to Prohibit Banners with Gay and Lesbian Fund Logo

            Denver, January 22, 2010….After the Platte County School Board decided this week that two district schools could not display banners earned through participation in the Anti-Defamation League’s No Place for Hate® program because the banners contained the name of the Gay and Lesbian Fund of Colorado, one of the program sponsors, the Anti-Defamation League stopped the program in the District.

            In a letter today to Platte County School Board members, ADL Mountain States Regional Director Bruce H. DeBoskey said:

We write to express our outrage and dismay that your School Board voted to ban the display of No Place for Hate® banners at West Elementary School and Wheatland High School because they include the logo of the Gay and Lesbian Fund for Colorado, a major sponsor of this free program. As a result of your decision, we are compelled to withdraw the No Place for Hate® program from the schools in your District.

The No Place for Hate program is designed to teach young people the values of respect and inclusion for everyone in the school community, and we cannot continue to offer the program in your District if you will not permit the display of a banner (hard-earned by many dedicated students, teachers, and community members) that includes the words “gay and lesbian.” To continue our program in light of your decision would be the height of hypocrisy, turning a blind eye to intolerance and repudiating the principles of inclusivity and respect that our program teaches.

The No Place for Hate® program has been embraced by dozens of schools in Colorado and Wyoming as a successful way to make schools safer and more inclusive, by providing anti- bullying training and promoting respect for all students. At schools where this program has been implemented, attendance is up and disciplinary actions are down. Students have reported that they feel safer and more welcome at school because the students, teachers and community have worked together to make their schools respectful, and inclusive. The safer schools are, the more students will attend, and the more opportunities they will have to learn. It is a shame that your decision will impede the important progress that has already been made on these important issues.

As you heard at the School Board meeting on January 18, this program has been in effect for over a year at one of your schools and for several months at the other school. The Wheatland students who have participated have enthusiastically supported it, believe they have benefited from it, and want it to continue. It saddens us greatly that your decision will send a message to these students that adults in Platte County openly endorse bigotry against the gay and lesbian members of your community.

If you should change your position at any time and permit the banner to be displayed as designed, we would be happy to return our program to your schools. Unless and until your position changes, however, we must reluctantly and immediately end the No Place for Hate® program at West Elementary and Wheatland High School.





The Anti-Defamation League, founded in 1913, is the world’s leading organization fighting anti-Semitism through programs and services that counteract hatred, prejudice and bigotry.

Choices. Choices.

So do we choose to be queer? It's a question that gets brought into the national dialogue whenever we have to defend our right to equal treatment under the law. If we "chose" it, then somehow we don't deserve equality. People choose their religion, and religious freedom is one of the most protected rights in our country. So we, as a nation, do feel like it's okay to protect personal choices as special rights.

I think people, regardless of orientation, choose their actions. Plenty of straight people don't marry. Plenty of gay people don't even date members of their gender, choosing celibacy as a result of their religious convictions. No one really knows why people fall in love with the people they fall in love with -- it's one of the mysteries of life. So why gender matters to some, doesn't matter to others, and how it affects matters of the heart is unlikely to be unraveled in the courtrooms of America.

I'd like to get beyond the fear of choice. I chose to be open to my heart. I chose to act on the love that I found there. I chose to build a life based on that love. Let's keep choosing love over fear and eventually, maybe, that will make the difference we are seeking.

Marriage, the Indigo Girls, bad hair cuts, and the Tower Card

Last week I read an article about the federal trial to decide if Proposition 8 violates the U.S. Constitution. A Columbia University social scientist, Ilan Meyer, says California's voter-enacted ban on same-sex marriages contributed to the social stigma that makes gay men and lesbians more susceptible to depression, suicide and substance abuse (The Associated Press).

"People in our society have goals that are cherished by all people, that are part of the social convention," Meyer said. "We are all raised to think there are certain things we want to achieve in life, and this Proposition 8 says if you are gay or lesbian, you cannot achieve this particular goal."

This quote made me reflect on my own beliefs and the journey to those beliefs. I can remember being 15 years old in Lancaster, PA and saying to a friend, "Homosexuality is clearly wrong. If the people can't get married and have a baby, then it's a relationship that doesn't count and has no point."

Looking back on that statement 23 years later, I can see Ilan Meyer's testimony reflected. I was parroting the values of my conservative community, utilizing the framework of marriage as the best and only way to have a relationship, and most likely, I was beginning to struggle with my own internalized homophobia - I "doth protest too much."

In fact, before I 'came out' as

:::::insert embarrassed whisper here:::::

'gay'

at the age of 24, I was openly homophobic. It took me another few years to shout

"LESBIAN!" with pride.

Before I came out, I would say that homosexuality was wrong, unnatural, a sin, disgusting...all the standard lines I had been taught and internalized. In fact, I can remember going to my first Indigo Girls concert at the age 21 and complaining to a friend about all the 'lezzies' (a word I learned from my mom) at the show - "Look at them and their bad haircuts."

Well, perhaps needless to say, 24 Indigo Girls concerts and a few bad haircuts of my own later, I have changed my tune. I am 'out,' proud, closer to fine and have been working professionally in the LGBTQ movement for over 12 years. If sexual orientation was a choice (that's a blog for another day), I would absolutely choose it - I love being queer.

As for marriage, I like what my partner has said - that essentially, the institution of marriage needs the Tower Card. If you're familiar with tarot, if you pull the the Tower Card, it usually means your life has or is about to blow up. Initially, this card can cause panic and fear - everything you have know has or is about to change. But ultimately what it means is that you expose what may have been invisible or hidden, separate pieces that were globbed together, pick up what you want, leave the rest for ruins and create something new.

Marriage in the U.S. is a mixed up glob of legal rights and responsibilities, religious sacrament and ritual, economics, and significant social meaning...all rooted in a patriarchal institution that was about ownership and women as property. Perhaps we need to tease out all these intertwined parts, pick up and dust off what we like, leave behind what we don't want or need-- and create something new.

Nancy Polikoff has a powerful book called "Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: "Her valuing-all-families solution is true to the roots of the gay rights movement and consistent with decades-old legal changes that have made marriage matter less." She is a lesbian and encourages the LGBTQ movement to think critically about only fighting for marriage equality.

Given the diverse and beautiful constellations of all family structures, how might a myopic fight for 'LGBT marriage equality' unintentionally leave others behind?

How about you?

• Are you married?
  
• Do you want to get married?
• What does 'marriage' and 'married' mean to you? To the people in your life?
  
• Are there relationship models other than 'marriage' that we can look to or create?
  

Human rights for all!

Boulder Pride's Board President David Ensign and Board Member Jackson Dreiling add their voices for Human Rights at the MLK rally in Boulder today.

I attended the Human Rights Celebration with my family and it was a wonderful experience! A few of the youth speakers did slam poetry and it was inspirational. We then walked as a group from the Courthouse to Boulder High where the fair was to occur. On the way, we passed by areas where hate crimes had occurred, with a youth standing to indicate the nature of the crime (anti-black hate crime happened here. anti-gay hate crime happened here. anti- hispanic hate crime happened here.) It was very moving. There were workshops, great food, and activities for teens and youngsters to participate in. There were also several tables from different groups in Boulder County working to end inequality and promote a better future for all.

It made me proud to be part of this community and part of this work!

You gotta run before you can walk.

Marriage gets a lot of attention. Even without a marriage movement, it's a billion dollar industry. The LGBT movement as a whole started on the marriage path because a straight man, Mayor Gavin Newsom, decided to make marriage legal in San Francisco, and the public response was incredible. Finally we had, as a movement, an issue that drew allies to our cause and spoke to the heart of what we were talking about: the right to make our own choices about our personal lives and with whom we live them.

Of course, it also brought out the cracks in our armor. The division between our different community needs was highlighted by the placement of marriage at the center of our movement. It inspires and challenges us as a community. And once again, it is being brought to the national mind in a bid for all the cards. Ted Olson, more known for his conservative approach, and David Boies, a long time liberal, have teamed together to challenge the legality of the Prop 8 decision. They make no secret they hope it will make it to the Supreme Court and end the marriage conversation once and for all -- with a positive result.

If I am honest, I don't want marriage. I want national civil unions for all. I want us to separate the religious and legal connections in marriage and make it truly clear that civil rights and religious feelings are not and should never be tied to one another. So, if they win, I hope they win that way.

Airing Out Our Dirty Laundry

I read a sad story this morning out of San Jose, CA. According to the article, a woman named Jennifer Bautista is being charged with vehicular manslaughter in the December 28, 2009 death of her ex-girlfriend, Leti Martinez:

http://www.mercurynews.com/breaking-news/ci_14149458?nclick_check=1

The article names something we often don't in the LGBT community: Domestic Violence. As a community, we often focus on the violence against us, but rarely, as a community, do we talk about the violence that happens in our homes.

On the community level, there is the myth of the "Lesbian Utopia" (that women don't use violence). There is fear that 'outing' domestic violence in the LGBT community will hurt our civil rights movement - that people will use it against us to justify legal discrimination in the areas of adoption and relationship recognition. Mainstream domestic violence programs and shelters are often ill-equipped to support gay and bi men and transgender men and women who are survivors of domestic violence.

On the individual level, survivors of LGBT domestic violence are often afraid to talk about what is happening to them because they fear their LGBT friends won't believe them or may even blame them - no one wants to believe a friend of theirs is using violence, power and control. Survivors fear their straight friends and family will think there is something 'wrong' with LGBT people, so survivors often don't turn to their friends and family for support.

If you are a member of the LGBT community and are looking for information and/or support about domestic violence, we have excellent resources in Boulder County and Colorado.

The Colorado Anti-Violence Project provides direct services including crisis intervention, information, and referrals for LGBT victims of violence 24 hours a day through their crisis line pager. They can also help arrange emergency needs such as food, transportation, and emergency shelter for victims of violence: call Metro Denver / Boulder: 303-852-5094 or statewide tollfree: 1-888-557-4441

In Boulder County, The Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence and MESA (Moving to End Sexual Assualt) both strive to support the LGBTQ community.

It's time we air out our dirty laundry - domestic violence does happen in the LGBT community...and help is available.

Isabella has Two Mommies

As my partner and I contemplate parenthood, I have been following this story closely.

If you're not familiar with the story, Lisa Miller and Janet Jenkins were joined in a legal civil union in Vermont in 2000. The couple decided to have and raise a child together. Isabella was born to Ms. Miller through artificial insemination in 2002. Under Vermont law, both women are legal parents.

The couple broke up in 2003. Ms. Miller moved to Virginia, renounced homosexuality and became an evangelical Christian. When Judge William D. Cohen of Vermont Family Court dissolved the couple’s civil union, he awarded custody to Ms. Miller but granted liberal visitation rights to Ms. Jenkins. The judge said he treated the custody case the same as he would any heterosexual married couple who was getting divorced.

Ms. Miller refused visitation to Ms. Jenkins. Judge Cohen then awarded custody to Ms. Jenkins on Nov. 20 after finding Ms. Miller in contempt of court for denying Ms. Jenkins access to the girl [from the New York Times].

It now appears that Lisa Miller has ceased contact with her attorneys and has disappeared with Isabella: Lisa Miller Fails to Hand Over Daughter Isabella to Her Former Lesbian Partner Janet Jenkins on New Year's Day. - ABC News

Miller has said, ‘I do not feel safe leaving my daughter with her [Janet Jenkins], and I believe I have a God-given and constitutional right to raise my child as I see fit. There is a homosexual agenda at work here, and Isabella is a pawn in their game.'

A right-wing group has formed the "Protect Isabella Coalition" http://www.protectisabella.com/ The Coalition sees the case as an example of 'judicial tyranny' and has posted on their site: "Isabella Miller did not arrive in the world in ‘the usual way’. Her ‘dad’ is an anonymous sperm donor. The only father she really has known is her Heavenly Father, thanks to the love and godly teaching of her real (biological) mother and role model, Lisa Miller."

To the best of my research, a Coalition has not formed in support of Janet Jenkins.


In thinking about this story, considering the following:

1. Miller claims she has a "God-given and constitutional right" to sole custody. What are your thoughts about blending "God-given" and "constitutional"? How does this framing impact the marriage debate?

2. Why is there a right-wing group championing Miller, but doesn't appear to be a left wing group in support of Jenkins?

3. As an LGBT community, how do we create relationships and families that protect us all, given that the legal system has not kept pace with us? What kinds of steps have you or will you take when partnering and/or having children?

What are your thoughts?