Last week I read an article about the federal trial to decide if Proposition 8 violates the U.S. Constitution. A Columbia University social scientist, Ilan Meyer, says California's voter-enacted ban on same-sex marriages contributed to the social stigma that makes gay men and lesbians more susceptible to depression, suicide and substance abuse (The Associated Press).
"People in our society have goals that are cherished by all people, that are part of the social convention," Meyer said. "We are all raised to think there are certain things we want to achieve in life, and this Proposition 8 says if you are gay or lesbian, you cannot achieve this particular goal."
This quote made me reflect on my own beliefs and the journey to those beliefs. I can remember being 15 years old in Lancaster, PA and saying to a friend, "Homosexuality is clearly wrong. If the people can't get married and have a baby, then it's a relationship that doesn't count and has no point."
Looking back on that statement 23 years later, I can see Ilan Meyer's testimony reflected. I was parroting the values of my conservative community, utilizing the framework of marriage as the best and only way to have a relationship, and most likely, I was beginning to struggle with my own internalized homophobia - I "doth protest too much."
In fact, before I 'came out' as
:::::insert embarrassed whisper here:::::
'gay'
at the age of 24, I was openly homophobic. It took me another few years to shout
"LESBIAN!" with pride.
Before I came out, I would say that homosexuality was wrong, unnatural, a sin, disgusting...all the standard lines I had been taught and internalized. In fact, I can remember going to my first Indigo Girls concert at the age 21 and complaining to a friend about all the 'lezzies' (a word I learned from my mom) at the show - "Look at them and their bad haircuts."
Well, perhaps needless to say, 24 Indigo Girls concerts and a few bad haircuts of my own later, I have changed my tune. I am 'out,' proud, closer to fine and have been working professionally in the LGBTQ movement for over 12 years. If sexual orientation was a choice (that's a blog for another day), I would absolutely choose it - I love being queer.
As for marriage, I like what my partner has said - that essentially, the institution of marriage needs the Tower Card. If you're familiar with tarot, if you pull the the Tower Card, it usually means your life has or is about to blow up. Initially, this card can cause panic and fear - everything you have know has or is about to change. But ultimately what it means is that you expose what may have been invisible or hidden, separate pieces that were globbed together, pick up what you want, leave the rest for ruins and create something new.
Marriage in the U.S. is a mixed up glob of legal rights and responsibilities, religious sacrament and ritual, economics, and significant social meaning...all rooted in a patriarchal institution that was about ownership and women as property. Perhaps we need to tease out all these intertwined parts, pick up and dust off what we like, leave behind what we don't want or need-- and create something new.
Nancy Polikoff has a powerful book called "Beyond (Straight and Gay) Marriage: "Her valuing-all-families solution is true to the roots of the gay rights movement and consistent with decades-old legal changes that have made marriage matter less." She is a lesbian and encourages the LGBTQ movement to think critically about only fighting for marriage equality.
Given the diverse and beautiful constellations of all family structures, how might a myopic fight for 'LGBT marriage equality' unintentionally leave others behind?
How about you?
- Are you married?
- Do you want to get married?
- What does 'marriage' and 'married' mean to you? To the people in your life?
- Are there relationship models other than 'marriage' that we can look to or create?
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