The Gender of Parents only Matters in Ways that Don’t Matter...

The February 2010 issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family features a new study that has found same-sex couples (the study focuses primarily on lesbians) are as good at raising well-adjusted, healthy children as heterosexual couples (to read article about the study) The authors reviewed 81 studies conducted since 1990 that fell into one of two categories: two-parent family studies comparing lesbian couples with heterosexual couples in terms of parenting skills and/or the psychological and social well-being of their children; and studies that compared single-mother parenting with that of single-fathers.

The study concluded:
"The family type that is best for children is one that has responsible, committed, stable parenting. Two parents are, on average, better than one, but one really good parent is better than two not-so-good ones. The gender of parents only matters in ways that don’t matter."

As I read the study, it reminded me of a presentation on LGBT issues I once did at, of all places, on an Air Force Base in Tucson. It was a sociology class through Park University, which offers degree programs for the US Military.

My presentation was titled “LGBT 101.” After I went through the basics, I opened it up for questions. After a few general questions, someone in the class asked, “Thank you for your presentation. It was very good. BUT, don’t you have to admit that a child needs a mother and a father? That it’s not fair for gays and lesbians to have a child because that child will begin at a disadvantage – that they’ll get teased...that they will have a hard time making friends. That they need a mom and a dad to learn everything they need to know?”

I paused before I answered and, with a technique I’ve learned from facilitating groups, threw the question back out to the class. I responded, “What do others think? Does a child need a mom and a dad? Is it selfish for gays and lesbians to have children because they children will be teased? Will a child raised by an LGBT person or couple not learn things they need to know?”

Hands shot up around the room. Heterosexual single moms and those raised by single moms responded the loudest. They challenged the original questioner, letting him know that, while there are challenges that single parents face (namely, paying for daycare), that children raised by a single parent learn all that they need, and more...

Next to respond was someone who identified as biracial –as having a black dad and a white mom. He said that if his parents had listened to everyone who cautioned them not to have a child because the child would be teased, he would not be here today. He also said, "There was a time in our country where it would have been illegal for my parents to marry." (I don’t know that this man had ‘come out’ as biracial’ to this class prior to this discussion).

Finally, another person said, “Kids get teased for all kinds of things. Not having a child because they will be teased is not a good reason. We need to stop the kids who tease.”

As you can see, there can be great benefit in flipping the initial questions back to a class. I asked if anyone else had comments, and no one raised his/her hand. Looking back, I am sure there were people in the room who agreed with the original questioner, but through the beauty of peer pressure, they were silenced.

I summarized the conversation by adding, “What if it is true a child raised by gays and lesbians is more likely to be gay or lesbian? What’s wrong with that? Can you see how that comment still reflects heterosexism/homophobia?” (terms we had defined earlier in the presentation).

I also reflected, “I was teased growing up far more for the fact that my dad was a cab driver than my sexuality or gender presentation. Should cab drivers not be allowed to have children?”

And then I concluded, “Also, I was an unplanned pregnancy, as I imagine other people in this room were or perhaps have had children they weren’t planning on having. I am so glad I was born, but I was born into a home that was not necessarily emotionally ready, and definitely not financial ready. For most same sex couples, the decision to become parents doesn’t happen accidentally. There is often a great amount of planning, and that child is likely born into a home that is emotionally and financially ready for it.”

Yep - you guessed it. This last comment had gone too far. It was okay to assert that gays and lesbians may be tolerable or maybe even equal parents, but to at all suggest that there may be strengths gays and lesbians have as parents was unacceptable. Hands shot up again, wanting to challenge me that just because a pregnancy is unplanned, doesn’t mean anything.

“Fair enough,” I conceded. We discussed parenting a bit more, and then moved on to a different topic.

If I was presenting in that class today, I would be sure to bring the findings from the new study in the Journal of Marriage and Family...